Being A Caring Caregiver with Rudrani Devi
In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Rudrani Devi about being a caring caregiver.
Rudrani has never had to fill the typical maternal or caregiving role, but after her mother moved in with her during Covid, she found her world was turned upside down. After going through a period of exhaustion, resentment and weight-gain, she began to facilitate herself and created the space she needed to care for both herself, and her mother.
Key points from this episode’s conversation
- Becoming a Relationships Done Different Facilitator
- Caregiving Done Different
- Coming into Allowance
- In allowance of you or of them?
- Setting Boundaries
- Breathing Through It
- Ask For Help
Becoming a Relationships Done Different Facilitator
In 2019, although Brendon and Simone had been doing Relationship Done Different classes, there was no such thing as an Access Certified Facilitator for Relationships Done Different yet. Rudrani really wanted them to create it, especially after reading the book ‘Relationships: are you sure you want one?’ She recognised that the tools were amazing and that they could create so much in the world, and she was a big believer that you teach what you most want to learn.
So, what did she do? She snuck in as a host for a few of Simone and Brendan’s classes, and became a Certified Facilitator the very first time it was offered. Her life changed immensely by facilitating the classes, as did her facilitation in her role as a Relationship Counselor.
She was able to marry her two roles - as a Certified Facilitator and as a Relationship Counselor - with her clients. For example, a participant in one of her Relationships Done Different classes was going through a divorce. After attending the class, the woman decided that instead of going through with the divorce, she and her husband would simply live apart, in their own homes, and date each other again. This arrangement may seem strange, but the relationship is still going strong today!
Caregiving Done Different
Rudrani is the caregiver for her mother, which is a complete role reversal of the mother-daughter relationship for them. Rudrani has never had her own children (although she prides herself on being the favorite aunt!), and has never had to fill a typical care-giving role. However, there came a point where her mother was no longer able to care for her home herself, and they began to discuss the possibility of her moving in. Rudrani thought it would be simple and fun as her mother was a go-getter and independent. So independent, in fact, that even after Rudrani renovated her home and created a private section for her mother, it took Covid hitting to convince her to finally move in.
At that time, Rudrani was in the middle of hosting a Certified Facilitator Relationships Done Different class online, which involved being up the whole night (as Simone and Brendan were in Australia). She found classes at these times manageable when she was alone, but with her mother around, she struggled. Her mom moved in, got Covid, and Rudrani had to look after her. She was EXHAUSTED. She wasn’t in Allowance of anything, and she felt her life was suffering because of her mom. She felt she was being a bad daughter, and she put on weight (and blamed her mom for it!). Eventually, she recognized that she had to start facilitating herself and asking what she needed to be in that situation.
Coming into Allowance
Rudrani had to come into Allowance of how much her mom loves her trauma drama. For example, her mom is a piano teacher and when she was teaching, she would demand all sorts of programs and posters that take time away from Rudrani’s work. Instead of going into resentment and stress over these demands, Rudrani took a step back and decided that it was okay.
She also looked at the 5 Elements of Intimacy, which are the basis of Relationships Done Different and every class she facilitates. It’s amazing what melts others’ and her own world, every time they go through those 5 elements.
In allowance of you or of them?
Rudrani had to be reminded of how much space she is for her mother. She had to acknowledge that she is that space, and even just acknowledging that was such an honor for her. She also has to ask herself whether she was that space for herself, as so often when people are looking after their parents, they lose themselves. She chose to be that space for herself.
For example, she recently did a 3-month challenge after realizing her body really loved form and structure. She was weighing her food and working out, and this was taking time away from her mother. Her mom would demand attention but Rudrani recognized she needed to be that space for herself and would prioritize her diet. In 3 months she lost all the weight, and it was an Honoring of herself and being in Allowance of her requiring to take care of herself. She didn’t make herself wrong for prioritizing herself.
Setting Boundaries
Rudrani’s mom wants to feel significant in her world, so she gives her tasks to include her. It could be a really simple task like getting her to cook pasta sauce for a dinner party, but it gives her that feeling of being useful. Rudrani also made it clear that her mother would want for nothing, but she would have to give her space at times too. She still needed to go out with her friends and facilitate classes, and she couldn’t invite her mom to everything. She had to set a boundary and initially it was hard for her mom to receive that.
Her mom is busy, and teaches almost every night, so she’s a busy lady! When she’s facilitating piano lessons, she’s amazing. But when she walks out of teaching, she immediately goes to the ‘take care of me’ space, which Rudrani accepts. Luckily, Rudrani and her mother really care about each other, which is that allowance and that vulnerability and being willing to set boundaries when it’s necessary.
Breathing Through It
Breathing really comes in handy. One weekend,her mom had a fall. When Rudrani found her, she had to stop, lower the walls and barriers, fill the eight corners of the garage, and breathe. This probably only took a few seconds, but she needed that before she could be that space for her mother again. Fortunately, the fall was nothing serious, but taking that moment to become still and take a breath when there is chaos was a game changer. She has to do that a lot with her mom!
Ask For Help
Something else that creates more space for caregivers is being in allowance of having siblings - or anyone else that could help - help in any way that they see fit, even if you don’t agree with it. Rudrani’s older brother helps out whenever she is too busy to look after her mom, and it works out great! Her brother feels useful, her mom gets to hang out with her son, and Rudrani gets the space to honor herself and her choices.
As a caregiver, there’s a lot of allowance, being present with your body, being kind to you and being willing to ask for help. Be willing! Don’t be so righteous about things that you insist everything must be done your way and you don’t ask for help.
If you’re choosing to create something different in our world, whether it’s in your relationship or how you live your life, thank you! Your choosing greater allows us all to choose greater.
Relationships Done Different
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/
Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/
Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?
Guest
Rudrani Devi
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rudranidevi/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GetHappyWithRudrani
Website: https://www.rudranidevi.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RunningRu
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdxLo9__EeU2KRfsc1gB7pw
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@rudrani_devi?lang=en
