How do you see you in relationships?
Are you eternally waiting to be in an intimate relationship? Is your relationship status constantly in your background dictating your choices?
On this show, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Shivam Saxena, about making the demand to no longer judge - you or anyone else - and enjoying whatever relationship status you are currently in. When Shivam stopped judging as a way to honour herself, everything became so much more ease.
What if making yourself happier was a greater choice than needing to be in a relationship?
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Are You Living On An Autopilot Of Judgement?
- Who Are You Really Judging?
- Have Allowance Of Your Partner’s Judgements of You
- Embrace Your Current Relationship Status
Are You Living On An Autopilot Of Judgement?
How many people go about living their lives as if they are on autopilot, a little bit away, simultaneously constantly evaluating what they are doing and what they should be choosing and cannot choose, what they deserve, what they don't deserve, what they can have, what they are allowed to have, what the right age is to do things, etc.
It's kind of like there are two of you, one is trying to live and the other one is focused on, "Am I doing it right? How much am I screwing it up?" Trying our best trying not to make mistakes. All of this is judgement.
Who Are You Really Judging?
People talk about relationship patterns. Who you are in relationship with may change, and you may change. You may think you have chosen a relationship that is entirely different this time, but then patterns emerge anyway. For Shivam, she noticed these patterns were so much about the judgements she had of herself, or how she saw herself. For example, if she saw herself as someone who was hyper, she noticed she would find people to be in relationship with who judged her as hyper and called her hyper.
How many times do we think they are seeing something in ourselves that we need to change, when in actuality, we are the ones who have already decided there is something wrong about us? Then the relationship becomes like a project of you working on yourself; "Thank you for showing me what is wrong about me. Now I will get to work on it," rather than enjoying the relationship and having the joy of having another person in your life.
It's those places where you start to pick on each other's imperfections in relationship, rather than ask questions.
Have Allowance For Your Partner’s Judgements Of You
One tool that really helped Shivam in her relationships is the willingness to be an allowance of your partner's judgements. There is a demand in all of our worlds to have a judgement free reality, but what happens is, a lot of times people start functioning from a judgement adverse mode; judgement of being judged. When you are in a closed relationship with someone who sees you day in and day out, the expectation of them to be totally judgement free can be a burden. That is not kind to the other person.
Shivam says that things got very easy when she stopped having the expectation that her partner couldn't judge her. It's about allowance. And, she says the funny thing was, that allowed the gratitude of him not judging her to start showing up.
Oftentimes, we wait for the gratitude in the relationship to show up; it's there in the beginning and then it starts to go wonky and you wait for the evidence; "Is he grateful for me?"
How many choices do we make in relationships based on what the other person is making? Which is reaction. when you start really choosing what works for you, without discounting the other person or judging them, things become more ease for everyone.
It comes down to, how do you see yourself and the relationship that you have with you?
Shivam made a choice to work on not judging. The greatest freedom she got from judging was when she realised that when she chooses judgement, she is not honouring herself. That's her not having her back. Making the choice to not judge, was a way to honour herself, because it was a commitment to herself rather than something to make others like her more.
When you truly choose the 5 Elements of Intimacy with you, it changes how you show up in the world; which has an effect on whoever you are interacting with in relationship.
Embrace Your Current Relationship Status
What if you could embrace whatever relationship status you are currently, rather than waiting for the next relationship? How much do we let your relationship status run in our background constantly: single, it's complicated, he hasn't asked me out yet or he hasn't proposed yet? It has an impact on the choices you make.
Shivam is currently not in an intimate relationship and her advice to others is to just enjoy it. There are many aspects of not being in a relationship that you can enjoy. It could be flirting with other guys, or maybe not having to check your schedule with anyone allowing you to just fly off to anywhere without checking in with what your partner is doing.
Enjoying not being in a relationship is a choice. And it is beautiful.
For Shivam, there was an energetic shift when she realised that not being in a relationship was not an interlude, or a phase that will pass; it's not a gap period. A relationship is not a destination.
When she changed her point of view, her life started changing. What if you made the demand to enjoy it; whatever it is? "What are the infinite ways of me enjoying this, and receiving this and embracing this?"
What if making yourself happier is a greater choice than needing to be in a relationship by a certain age, or whatever your culture or society is expecting of you? It's not about filling a gap.
Whatever your relationship status is today, it's okay - even if you are waiting for a relationship. What if you just enjoyed today regardless? and embraced it?
Relationships Done Different
Shivam Saxena, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator