Do you really need a relationship?
Do you know what you desire when it comes to being in a relationship or not? Are you willing to have your own back and support you fully in creating your own reality regardless of what other people are saying or projecting at you?
In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Ryan Tee, about knowing what you truly desire when it comes to relationship and tools to create that for yourself, no matter what others are saying and doing.
Ryan has been facilitating classes for many years, and one thing he has noticed again and again across the globe, is that there are so many people who don't actually desire a relationship but they think they do. And, from there, different problems show up.
Relationship is a choice. It's not a necessity.
If you like you, you know what works for you and what doesn't, and you create your own reality, regardless of what other people want you to choose or not.
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Be Clear On What You Desire
- Are People Just Trying To Control You?
- It’s Imperative To Like Yourself First
- Leaving A Relationship
- ‘Needing’ A Relationship
Be Clear On What You Desire
Many years ago, Ryan was facilitating a private session, and as always, he started it off by asking the client what they would like to get out of the session. This particular client answered that she would like to have a relationship, but he could sense the heaviness in what she said, indicating it wasn't quite true. So he asked her, "Do you really want one?" and she responded "No." As he questioned her further, he asked "Who wants you to have a relationship?" and she said her Mum.
This is an example of someone else putting pressure on you to have a relationship. And it doesn't have to be verbal. Ryan said his parents used to put pressure on him to have a relationship, but even though they don’t verbally do that anymore, whenever he sees them, he knows what they are thinking.
The pressure could be from parents, it could be from friends, it could be from relatives and it could be from the entire society; people looking at you like someone is missing in your life.
Ryan has noticed that very often, the people who project that at you have a relationship or are in a marriage, and they are not that happy; it's like they are looking for the next victim. Maybe their parents told them to have a relationship and they did, and they see someone else not in one so they pass all the points of views they got from their parents on to that person.
Ryan says he is very clear on what he desires and what he doesn't desire. Right now he doesn't desire a relationship, and he has a happy life. So, when someone says or projects at him that he should have a relationship, he knows what his reality isThis knowing allows him to thank them for their opinion and not have it affect him; "Thank you, but no thank you." Most people, however, are not really clear in what they desire, so when someone projects at them "You should do this" or "You shouldn't do that," such as "You should get married and have children," they are more likely to be influenced and think, "Maybe that is a good idea."
Do you know what you desire? Are you willing to have your own back and support you fully in creating your own reality regardless of what other people are saying or not saying?
Are People Just Trying To Control You?
Ryan's parents don't say their point of view about relationship out loud to him anymore because they don't feel like they can control him anymore. They now just say, "As long as you're happy," even though they still think he should be in a relationship.
If someone keeps giving you their points of view, have a look at that. They don't do it to everyone, just certain people. How are you attracting that? How are you attracting people coming to you telling you what you should do in your life? What are you being that lets people feel like they can control you, or that they can project their points of view on you, or impose them on you?
Ryan has many friends and family members who state people keep telling them what to do or are strongly judging them for what they are doing. Ryan doesn't have that in his life. It's not that he doesn't have friends. He has friends that wouldn't do that to him. 1/ They know they cannot control him; that they would be wasting their time. 2/ If people keep trying to control you, why are you still hanging around them? If you complain about someone trying to control you and you still hang around that person, who is the problem?
Ryan has judgemental friends. He chooses not to see them very often. It goes back to the most important thing; do you even like yourself? If you really liked you, would you put yourself in a situation or friend circle where you get judgments constantly? It's like cultivating relationships with people who give you more of you and are kind to you. If you like you, you won't keep putting yourself in a place where people are judging you.
Like yourself so much that you won't let anyone judge you, abuse you, or control you.
It’s Imperative To Like Yourself First
For Ryan, it’s essential to have a good relationship with yourself; whether you want a relationship with another person or not. You must at least like you. If you don't like you, you don't care about your whole life.
Can you love someone who doesn't love themselves? It is very hard. No matter how much you try to prove to them that you love them very much, they will be like, "Nobody loves me." They will find evidence that nobody loves them; even you if you are in relationship with them.
So, you have to like you first. Then, if you find someone that likes themself and you are both willing to create a life together, that's a great relationship.
If you like you, you know what works for you and what doesn't , and you create your own reality, regardless of what other people want you to choose or not. From this space, it's way easier to create a great relationship
Leandra suggests that if you're not sure you like you, what if each day you find one thing that you like about you? So many of us grew up without that space of learning to like ourselves. Ask, "What am I grateful for about myself?" Suddenly you will start to have that sense of you and from there you can have more of you.
On the first day of a Relationships Done Different class with Ryan, a lot of time is spent talking about liking yourself, as a lot of the time people have a resistance to it. People really have to work on it. If you are familiar with the Access Consciousness clearing statement, clear everywhere you have judgments of yourself, everywhere that you don't like you or hate you. Clearing all of that is the beginning. There is also a class available in the Access Shop which Dr. Dain Heer, the co-creator of Access Consciousness, facilitated a couple of years ago called, Truly Liking You… and Your Life.
If you keep choosing things that don't work for you, including your relationships, most likely you need to work on liking you first. Five years ago, Ryan was in a group session with Dain who asked everyone, "If you could have anything out of this session, what would it be?" Other people were asking for more ease or more joy or whatever, and when it was his turn, he said he wanted to stop his money problems. Dain’s response was, "What if it was about you liking you, so that you don't create those problems for you? I could stop that problem for you, but you will create it again. Keep it simple; you liking you." and Ryan went, "yes! that."
He didn't receive the session that well at the time. It took about 6 months after that for him to get it. The entire session came back to him and he understood what Dain was saying. Then a lot of things changed for him.
When you put yourself first and like you, you will look after you and be the kindness you require. With that comes the relationship you desire, the money that you want, the business that you want, etc.
Leaving A Relationship
Relationship is a choice. It's not a necessity.
Ryan doesn't see any difficulty in ending a relationship. In the past he did. He used to judge himself for it. In his head he'd be like, "The other person didn't do anything wrong. If I end it I will be a terrible asshole." What if neither you nor the other person needs to be wrong and it was just a choice? - "Nothing is wrong here. I just don't desire a relationship."
People tend to make relationship too significant, which makes getting into a relationship or ending a relationship not easy.
Now, Ryan prefers to look at it from the following analogy. Let's say you work for a company and the company pays you well and you are happy there, but one day you decide you don't want to work there anymore. The company is not wrong. Nothing is wrong, you just desire to work somewhere else, or maybe you desire to take a break from work, so you hand in your resignation letter. It's just a choice.
Why should it suddenly become something you cannot choose when it comes to an intimate relationship? Or something where you create so much trauma and drama in your head before you end it? What if you could ask a question or talk with the other person; "I've changed so much. You've changed so much. What can we be or do from now on, changing this relationship or being with it in a different way?"
‘Needing’ A Relationship
In Asia, a lot of people who come to class feel like they need to have a relationship, especially women. A lot of them have parents that tell them, "You don't need a high education. You don't need to make too much money. You just need to get a husband." It's more of a cultural thing. As a result, they always have that little voice telling them that they just need to find a husband to take care of them. Those points of views are very dis-empowering for them.
You can desire someone to take care of you, but you don't need that. If you make that a need, you have to make you weak and powerless and needing someone. What if you could be strong, powerful, have lots of money and do whatever you like? And, if you desire a relationship, go for it.
If you need a relationship, will you still function from choice and choose a relationship that works for you? It's more likely that you would just choose anyone who is willing to have a relationship with you; you'll just jump into it. And then you go, "What happened to my life?" With that desperate need, you go into relationship not really by choice, and not with someone you really enjoy and can create a life together. So, get over the need. A need is an invention. For people who tell Ryan, "I need that person," he tells them, "Before you met them, you never had that 'need'." It's just a point of view that you made.
What if all need is just a point of view? or cultural programming, or pressure from parents or whoever?
Relationships Done Different
Ryan Tee, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator