Navigating A Break Up
Do you believe that break ups have to be dramatic? Or is there actually another possibility?
In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Dr. Imene Benzamouche, about tools that have assisted her to navigate relationship break ups with ease.
Growing up, Imene did her own kind of havoc in relationships, until she found the Access tools. Now she has way more ease and a joy in what she is choosing in relationships. What if you too could benefit from these tools?
What if breaking up could actually be fun and ease?
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Acknowledge That You Can Handle A Break Up
- You Actually Know When It’s Not Going To Work
- Imene’s Go To Relationship Tool
- What If A Break Up Didn’t Have To Be Dramatic?
- When Kids Are Involved
- Who Are You Being?
- Acknowledge What Is
- Stop Judging
Acknowledge That You Can Handle A Break Up
Before Imene's divorce, it was drama and trauma and depression and losing herself. That wasn't fun. She realised relationship was something she was good at; or breaking them up.
When she started using Access Consciousness tools, she didn't use them for relationships at first because of her belief that she sucked at relationship; she thought nothing was going to change that. But then when she started taking Relationship Done Different classes and using the tools, breakups became way easier for her, because you actually embrace your awareness. And this was true for her whether the relationships were romantic, business or friendships.
When you are a kid, you have this capacity naturally to be with someone or not be with someone. When you grow up, you learn there is a significance and a solidity to what a relationship is, so when you break it up, you feel broken; like you are something porcelain. But you are not a porcelain thing. You have awareness, and when you be that more and more, it becomes way easier. For Imene, she realised that she can actually handle herself and not lose it.
You Actually Know When It’s Not Going To Work
If you are asking questions, you have this moment where you realise the relationship is not one that is going to go for long, or it's not one that will bring you joy. It's more of a knowing. It doesn't make sense. She remembers in one of her relationships that she knew it wasn't going to work, but she was having so much fun she continued with it.
At the end when it doesn't work, you actually knew. And, even if you don't see the ‘red flags’, you have this sense of there's something that's not working. You have the choice to acknowledge that you are still choosing to go with the relationship even though you know, or have a sense or gut feeling, that it's not going to work.
You are aware.
Imene’s Go To Relationship Tool
One of the things Imene looks at with anything she chooses is, "What would my life be like in 5, 10, 20, 50 years if I actually choose to be with this person?" and she gets a sense of what that actually is. When you ask that question, your mind cannot compute anything, so you trust what you know; what you have a sense of.
If that question brings up a contraction, especially to Imene's body, she knows there is something that is not joyful or easy for her in that relationship. It's still a choice to choose it, but if she does, she knows it's not something that is creating her future.
She is learning more and more to go with what is lighter; because we still have choice in every situation to go either way. How many of you know that something is not a light choice and go with it anyway? Maybe you have an agenda or you might want to fulfil something.
What If A Break Up Didn’t Have To Be Dramatic?
We actually have choices when we are breaking up. It doesn't have to go to trauma and drama. It doesn't have to be that space of "Oh my god, I've lost everything," or judging yourself.
Sometimes when you spend so much time with one person, where it was trauma and drama but you still stayed, after that you don't actually want to have a friendship with them afterwards. But with others, you might choose to stay friends. Maybe you have so much joy just knowing that person, being grateful for that person, or you sense that person is still a contribution. If you have the courage to still have that person, you can have them around you and still have this friendship.
It usually doesn't make sense. A break up is supposed to be dramatic; it's supposed to be a loss. In this reality, you're supposed to have a hard time. You're a porcelain thing and we just threw you out of the window. But if you know the future you are creating is a better, greater and more expansive one for you, and the other person, whoever is involved, you can actually enjoy that choice. It's like choosing to move houses, and you are happy you have a new house. You don't cry that you lost the old house.
What if we had this joy of choosing whatever we are choosing? Because it can look dramatic and it can be dramatic if you choose it. And it also can have this sense of gratitude with the other person for whatever you had with them, for whatever they brought to your life. Even if it was difficult - it's still an awareness you’ve gained.
When Leandra moved out of her relationship, the first night she was in her flat she made dinner for herself, her ex and her son, and they toasted champagne and had dinner together and they were all really glad. Leandra was in her flat, he was in a nice house the way he likes it to be.
When Kids Are Involved
When you have a kid, for Leandra, it's important to include them in what's going on. When you can talk to your child and let them know it's not their fault, it's the adults’ choices, and that you are going to have their back, and they can choose to be with their dad on certain days and their mum on other days, that brings so much ease to them. It was still a shock for her son, and he had his moments, but it was so much ease. And, he could see that both his parents were being so much happier now. That to Leandra is breaking up is easy-ish; where you can talk to the other person. Yes, there are dramas but you can ask questions and not carrying them on.
Who Are You Being?
Imene loves how Leandra was with her son. She is showing him how he can be with relationships. However it is that you are in relationships, you have learned that from others, like your parents, etc.
As a kid, Imene used to look at her family and go, "I don't want any of this." For Leandra it was, "Is this it?!"
Imene had one favourite couple where she admired the relationship, but it still didn't look as if it was the best thing there was in life.
Growing up, Imene did her own kind of havoc in relationships, until she found the Access tools. Now she has way more ease and a joy in what she is choosing in relationships. Who else can use this?
Acknowledge What Is
If you are going through a break up, the first question that you actually want to ask is, "When did I know that this was not going to work out?" When did the relationship end energetically? And just acknowledge that. For example, if you knew 1 month into the relationship and stayed for 10 years, acknowledge that you chose to go 9 years and 11 months knowing it's not going to work. Don't judge yourself,or the other person, but look at it. In acknowledging what you are aware of now, you can ask questions; "What can I create? Can this relationship still work out? What contribution can I be to the other person by choosing to break up?” etc. Because you know. If you are already thinking about a break up, there is probably something to look at.
The other thing is to actually look at what it is for the other person. In Access we talk about Presumptive Realities. There are so many presumptions about what the other person is living. You don't know if they are happy with you, or if they're not happy, because they put on this face for you. So, sit down and have a conversation with them. Not blaming, not trying to make a point, but just asking "How is it for you? How has it been for the last 10 years? How has it been for the last month? Do you see anything that we can change? Do you think there is still anything between us? Are you willing to change this thing, or not?" Because we have this image and projection of what we don't like about the person and what they should and will change.
When you are asking these questions, really have that space of, “What will this question create?” and keep it an open question, so that he or she has the space of, "I've never been asked this from you before and I would like to look at that."
And, when they are choosing something that is not working for you, you can ask them, "What is this for you?" and "How much do you value this choice in your life? Is it working for you? Do you have any idea of possibly changing it?" Just look at what it is for the other person. Relationship is not just about you or them, it's a creationship you have together that if you are willing to look at it, you can create a different future; even if you break up.
How much ease can you have if you have those kind of conversations, instead of continuing to fight or not agree with each other? Talk about it and be that kindness, be that gratitude, that that person may never have received from you.
So many couples keep the relationship going for years and years, even though they've already ended the relationship. Where are you honouring yourself and the other person in that? It's about being really truthful to yourself and asking questions like, "What can we be here to change this?" That to Leandra is breaking up with ease; really being the questions and being that energy of "What can we be here?” and “What's next?" and, “What can we be for the future?” Because the choices you are choosing today is what is creating your future.
Leandra was married for 20 years, and it was like this big empire that she built was going away. But in truth, it was gone already. So, when you really look at "What can I create now? What can be different? How can we change this?" you don’t feel like you are losing something.
Judgement is one of the places we stop ourselves; "Can I break up? I have kids."
Being in the wrongness or rightness of yourself has not ever created anything greater before you were in this relationship. Now that there is another person in the equation, and they also have their judgments, can you imagine the fight or war between the two sets of judgments?
It's a matter of choice whether to judge or not. If you are judging yourself, just stop. There is no tool, there is no clearing, there is no class, there is nothing that will override your choice. You have to look at your choice and what it is creating. For example, you might be judging that you are not a good wife or not a good mum, etc. or on the flip side, you might be judging that you are good and the other person should reward you. What is any of that creating in your world? What is that creating for the other person?
The energy of judgement is one of the most destructive things; and we know it. But when we are so obsessed about it, we forget everything else. And, when you are in judgement, you cannot be grateful. What if that is not the way you have to live your life anymore? That's what you learned, and that's okay, but what if now you have a different choice? And, what if it was truly just a choice?
Be the kindness you can be with you - and others. It can spread like a virus!
Relationships Done Different
Dr. Imene Benzamouche, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator