Breaking Up Is Easy-ish
Is your relationship working for you, or is it time for a change?
In this episode, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Leandra Costa, about tools that bring more ease with breaking up.
Not enough people talk about break ups, yet we all have an idea of what a break up means, and it’s usually tears, depression, fights, can't get out of bed, netflix and icecream, etc., but Leandra has a very different perspective.
There are tools that you can use to give you the space to see the gift in it and to look towards the possibilities you now have.
Be kind to you. Take it easy. Be in question. Be present with what you want to change and create, and also with the other people involved, including your kids.
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Ask Questions
- Destroy and Uncreate Your Relationship
- Make A List
- Be Kind To Yourself
- Who Does It Belong To?
- What Else Is Possible?
- When Kids Are Involved
- Choosing For You
- You Should Always Have More Of You
How do we make break ups easy-ish? By asking questions and choosing for you. What would you like to have from now on in a relationship? Ask questions like, "Is it time to change? Is it time to finish?" "How can I make it ease for me and everyone else involved?"
Ask lots of questions and then look to the future; “What would I like to create from now on?”
For Leandra, using the tools of being in question and choosing for her created a lot of ease with her break up two years ago.
Destroy and Uncreate Your Relationship
One of the tools talked about in Relationships Done Different is destroying and uncreating your relationship. This tool is about destroying what you expect your relationship to be like based on the past, so that you don’t project it into the future.
Look at all the places where you have a projected point of view about what your relationship should look like? What hasn't measured up? What are your expectations? Check all of that and throw them out the window, so that you can have a clean slate today. Then you have the space to ask, “What would I like to create my relationship as?”
“Everything my relationship was, every point of view, every expectation I have about what it's going to be, all of that, I destroy and uncreate it. Now, what's next? What would I like to create?”
Make A List
If you are in a place where you don't know if the relationship is the relationship for you, whether it is done or something might need to change, make a list of all the things that would have to change in order for the relationship to work. Whatever that looks like, with no judgement. Include everything, as ridiculous as you think it is, such as, they've got to squeeze the toothpaste from the end not the middle, or they have to lower the seat down when he goes to the toilet, or they have to give you more compliments, etc. Write down 8-10 things that would create the relationship as greater for you. Then, go through the list and ask yourself, "Is this something that my partner can actually deliver?" Not from judgement, but truly get present with what you are asking for and if your partner could actually deliver that? It's actually an unkindness to expect your partner to deliver something they are not capable of delivering. You've got to be honest. If you get a yes, that's one step closer. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.
If you got in your car every morning and it didn't work, would you keep it? No, you'd probably get rid of it and maybe buy a new one or take the bus or whatever. You're going to make a change and do something different.
What change is available in your relationship? What can you actually choose, in or out of the relationship, that would create the future that you truly desire?
It's called a break up because it's broken. There is something about it that is not working. What is it that you would actually like to choose and does this relationship contribute to your future?
That's what starts to change the trauma and drama of "oh my heart is broken," to "I'm actually making a choice that is going to create the future I desire to have."
For Paula, Relationships Done Different is about choice. It's about choosing the relationships that work for you; your relationship with your body, the earth, your relationship with you, with partners, with business partners, all of those things. Really look at that and get super, super clear.
Be Kind To Yourself
Remind yourself to be kind to you. When Leandra went through her list and didn’t see much changing, it was a kindness to break up. Is that a kindness to you? So, now, what steps are required for that to happen with ease?
We are so used to doing drama with a break up. What if you could be kind to you instead; and even to your ex? Leandra remembers talking to her ex and he was really unsure if he could take care of our son, and she reassured him that he can be a single parent. She had the space to have that conversation; "We will be fine. We can take care of each other and ourselves, and together parent and have our son's back and be present with it."
Who Does It Belong To?
The first step to create ease with a break up is to create a little bit of space around it.
An Access Consciousness tool which Relationships Done Different uses is asking, "Who does it belong to?" You are breaking up from someone else. What if all the trauma and drama isn't yours? Ask, "Who does it belong to?" and if it's light, it's not yours. Then you have space to see what is actually ease. You can be happy, you can do something and create something different here and have more of the space that you know you can have.
What Else Is Possible?
When your relationship has served its purpose, what else would you like to choose? Ask “What else is possible?” and "If I was creating my own reality today, what would I choose?" It's not bad to cry and have a moment. It's not wrong. And, if you are going to be miserable, indulge in it and be the most miserable broken up person ever. Then, when you are done with that, "Now what would I like to create? If I was choosing for me and the future that I desire, what would I choose?" It's a bridge into possibilities beyond a lot of what we see in the movies and media about break ups.
When Kids Are Involved
A lot of times with break ups, one of the biggest challenges is kids. Having children changes things.
When Leandra's 20 year relationship broke up, her son went into drama. They reassured him that they were going to be fine and that the break up wasn't his fault, that it's just between the adults and it's not working, we're not happy with each other. Then they asked him, "Is there anything you'd like to ask us?" and he said, "Just make sure you leave me with each other." That afternoon he went to Leandra's ex's mother's house and was playing on the trampoline and he told her, "Do you know my parents are going to get a divorce?" and broke it to his grandma with so much ease. She was like, "What?!" But to Leandra, it showed the lightness that they could bring to him even though they were breaking up, that everything was going to be fine, they still loved him and they'd still be a family; just a different type of family. Even now he still knows he can count on both of them even though they are separate. He also has parents who are a little bit happier now they are not together.
So often people think the kids are going to be devastated. No, kids are pretty resilient, and they are way more energetically aware than adults let themselves be, so more often than not, it's the adults projecting that trauma and drama onto the kids, and they are reflecting the expectations of the parent.
Choosing For You
Paula also went through a break up after a long term relationship. For her it was a big choice. A lot of people were rooting for them; "You're so perfect and you're so in love." So, the choice to break up the relationship was really interesting.
There wasn't really anything wrong. Paula's partner adored her. He wasn't abusive. There wasn't a checklist of reasons why the relationship should be broken up. She just knew that there was something else possible, and she could feel herself starting to cut off parts of herself to stay in the relationship. Her life was getting bigger and bigger and then she'd come home and it was this traditional "I am the wife and he is the husband." There were a whole lot of unspoken expectations. And even when they did speak about them, it was clear that there was a difference of perspective. So, the break up was more about, "I'm choosing something different."
For Paula, approaching the break up from that perspective created a lot of space, and also for her partner, because she knew she was moving towards something that matched the energy of what she deserved her life to be. And, her life exploded in a good way. The choice to have her own back harder than anyone else changed the game for her. It showed her that energy of what it looked like to have her own back.
Everyone's got something to say when a relationship breaks up; "Oh, well that didn't work." "There's no hope for the rest of us." "I don't want you to die all alone and broke."
No good relationship ends in divorce. It served its purpose and it contributed what it contributed.
Knowing that when you make a choice like that, it's not easy. It can have an ease to it, and when you make that choice to have your back so hard, even when it's stressful or emotional or whatever that is for you, the universe sees that and immediately rewards it. It is a choice that creates greater, if you allow the universe and consciousness to contribute to all of it.
You Should Always Have More Of You
Leandra notices that when people break up, they start to look really good. They start to go to the gym, etc. So, there is that energy of really starting to have that relationship with you and asking, "What would I like to do? What does my body want to look like?" You start to have that intimacy with you again, because in relationship you can lose that; you start to immerse yourself with the person you are in relationship with and kind of forget where you are, who you are and what do you like being and creating, etc.
That's why Leandra likes talking about breaking up is easy-ish, because there is a gift in it. You go through rough patches, particularly in the beginning, but there is also that bit of having more of you after breaking up.
There should always be more of you. Whether you are in a relationship or you choose to break up a relationship, having all of you is the minimum requirement of any choice.
So many of the tools in Access Consciousness are all geared towards you having more of you.
When you are actually willing to have more of you, when you make that demand of yourself, the universe immediately has your back and allows you to grow and contributes to you choosing, and presents possibilities that you might not have even known were possible.
Be kind to you. Take it easy. Be in question. Be present with what you want to change and create, and with the other person and your kids. Ask questions.
There is always so much that you can think, but when you start to be and ask those questions, then the change comes with so much ease.
Relationships Done Different
Leandra Costa, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator