What Is Kindness, Really?...
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Honouring Self With Kindness
- Kindness Is Having Your Own Back
- Kindness Versus Being Nice
- Judgement Versus Empowerment
- Ask For More Kindness To Show Up
Honouring Self With Kindness
There is an honouring of self in Simone Milasas’ world, cofounder of Relationships Done Different. There is a demand in her world which does not sway, yet it is delivered with kindness. Even letting someone go from her team is a kindness. It is kinder to everyone, and creates greater, if you just tell people what you are aware of and ask questions, rather than put up with something that is not working.
Most people think that kindness has to look a certain way. For years Paula thought she wasn’t kind because she wasn’t this soft, sing songy kind of lady.
Kindness Is Having Your Own Back
As a mum, Becky always gave her kids a lot of choice. They don't always fit in, but they definitely have kindness to themselves. If they don’t want to hug, for example, they say so, and that’s okay. Becky’s mum, however, takes it personally; “If you don't hug me, you don't love me.” Rather than put up with this, they will tell her “Don’t manipulate me.” They have this sense of self where they have their own back. They're not giving themselves up even when Becky’s mum is guilt tripping them.
Kindness Versus Being Nice
How often are you unkind to yourself to maintain the illusion of being nice? The amount of things we've all done in our lives to be nice, which are not kind to you, is staggering.
More often, what people think is being kind is actually being ‘nice’. Being nice usually means you lose yourself in order to take care of others’ happiness. Kindness is more about allowance and the willingness to be what's required; which includes yourself.
Chris just ended a relationship that wasn't working. The ‘nice’ thing would have been to put up with it and not create any sort of conflict or discomfort. The kind thing for everyone involved was to end it. It may not have seemed it at the time, but it was so required and there lies the kindness. Kindness doesn’t mean comfortable. Chris had to look at it and ask, "Where and how is this actually contributing to me?"
There is a way to do it with kindness that creates greater for everyone. And, when you are willing to be that energy for you, you show other people that it's possible.
A friend of Chris’, Kass, waiting for a table at a restaurant with a friend. When the next table became available, they were dismissed and passed over for a white couple behind them. Kass’ friend got really angry, saying it was because they were black. Kass, however, dealt with it with kindness, whilst still asking for what she desired and deserved; "I'm sorry dear, you must not have seen that we were here before them. Would it be possible for you to serve us now?"
Judgement versus Empowerment
One of the biggest areas where relationships seem to fall apart is communication and knowing how to say something. If there is no judgement, what does communication look like?
A retail shop owner that Chris knows was complaining to him about his staff. Chris asked him, “Are you judging them? Is managing your shop with a loaded gun how you can communicate and empower your staff?”
Chris is always interested in what his friends and staff know, rather than micromanaging and dictating to them. Kindness is empowering people to what they know and to have the greatest life they possibly can.
He is not interested in having relationships with people who constantly judge and nitpick and make everything wrong. If you take the judgement and the wrongness out, what is there to nitpick at?
Ask for what you require and be that energy of what you demand and what you are reaching for, without judgement.
We can all be unkind and we can all be really kind; it's a combination. If you are making yourself wrong for the times you are not kind, look at all aspects. What kindness can you be? What kindness can you see?
Ask For More Kindness To Show Up
Ask and you shall receive is how the universe works. You can ask for anything. Keep asking for more kind and fun people to show up. Chris asks for the following, "What would it take to surround myself with kind, caring, creative people?"
Relationships Done Different