Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Are you currently deciding whether to leave a relationship or to stay? Indecision can hang over you like a dark cloud and can be paralysing, keeping you from taking any action at all. What if you could have ease, joy and glory with this choice?
On this show, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Heiderose Scheerer, about the question, to go or not to go.
If you are at a crossroads with any of your relationships and you don't know what's required or how to go about it, this episode can assist you to know that there are possibilities available; even when you don’t feel like there are.
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Stop Over Thinking It
- What’s Really Going On?
- Do You Function From Compromise?
- What Else Is Possible?
- What Does Your Body Know?
- An Invitation To Something Different
- It Starts With Your Relationship With You
Stop Over Thinking It
Your mind will never be able to give you the answer you are looking for. There is no one fits all answer.
When you start asking should I stay or should I go, it's something that has been going on for a while. There is something that doesn't work for you.
Ask, “What is it that doesn't work for me? What is it that makes me ask the question?” and “How can I change it?”; or “Whose responsibility is it to change it?”, as we so often go to blame.
What is it that you actually would like to have? What's true for you?
You can ask the question, “What will my life be like in 5 years time if I stay? What will my life be like in 5 years time if I go?”, but what do you know? Once you get to that point of asking should I stay or should I go, you already know the answer.
If you are overthinking it and coming up with a pros and cons list, you are trying to justify your choice. If didn't need to justify, what do you know? What do you desire, what do you require? What is true for you? What is it you would actually like to create?
Two questions to end the indecision are,
1/ “Am I in an abusive relationship?”; whether it’s you abusing them or they are abusing you.
2/ Has your health been suffering in the relationship?
What’s Really Going On?
What if your partner's annoying behaviours are a gift and they are there to be your teacher? What if perfection is pure fiction? How can you love an imperfect person perfectly?
Who were you when you started the relationship? Who are you now? And what would you really like to create in your life?
So often we go to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Outside of abuse, you don't necessarily have to end the relationship just because you find something annoying that you don't think will change. There is always something else possible. A great question to ask is, “What would it take to change this?” or “What would it take for me to have ease with this?”
Another thing we often do is look to other relationships as an example of how a relationship should be, or how to deal with conflict, etc. But what is it that works for you?
When you carry traumas with you, it keeps you from having true intimate relationships. If your partner wants more intimacy and you want to run, it’s not wrong to run - but know what you are doing. If you are the one who wants more intimacy, what can you do to get it?
What are you asking for and can you be and do everything that is required to do that?
For example, if you desire the 5 elements of intimacy - honour, trust, allowance, vulnerability and gratitude in a relationship, is that something that is easy for you to do? Or would you benefit from talking to someone about that?
Do you want to stay in an unhealthy relationship or create a healthy relationship? and how do you know the difference?
The key is to look at yourself and be really honest with yourself.
Do You Function From Compromise?
Compromise means giving up something valuable to you for the sake of the other person. And, you will expect the other person to do the same. With compromise, no one ever gets what they want. Prefer to ask, “What else can we choose that works for both of us?”
What Else Is Possible?
Being in a relationship, or not, is a choice. You can choose it or not choose it. Not choosing your relationship is still a choice.
However, if you find yourself leaving relationships a lot rather than putting the work in, are you doing relationship hopping; i.e. going from relationship to relationship with always the same things that don't work? Maybe it's time to look at yourself and ask, “What can I be and do different here?”
When you're both choosing to be in the relationship, even though not perfect, you can make it work.
Make a list of things you are grateful for for that person. In that space of starting to choose gratitude, things can start to change.
Have you ever even checked if you and your partner are compatible? So often we think if we love each other, it'll just work.
Compatibility is, when you are authentically being your true self it makes the other person feel well or be well or contributes to their life and what they do, and vice versa.
Does the other person truly contribute to you?
What if relationships were about contribution and were an expansion to our lives?
Most of us don't even know that is a possibility, as we were raised to believe conflict and drama and struggle were the norm. Ask, "What have I learned about relationship that is actually a total lie?"
What if compatibility is not about the excitement, what if it was your body relaxing and you feel well and safe and welcome and you welcome the other person? From that point you can create whatever you like.
What Does Your Body Know?
A lot of people are so disconnected from their bodies. Mindfulness is a wonderful thing but what if it requires bodyfulness to know whether to stay or go?
What is your body telling you about the relationship? What is your body telling you when you are with the other person? Are you getting sick, do you stop breathing when the other person shows up, etc.? Or is it something you'd like more of?
An Invitation To Something Different
Relationship Done Different classes are an invitation to look at everything you thought you knew about relationship and everything you thought you knew about you in relationship; not just romantic relationships, but families, colleagues, money, bodies, etc. It’s about the willingness to look at what currently is and the willingness to have your own reality. What could you create that is not available to anyone else?
It all starts with getting to know yourself.
From the time we are a little kid, we are told what to think and how to behave and we are never encouraged to look at what we really want. When you were on the playground, you knew what you liked and you had fun. You didn’t think about it. Then we were taught that we have to think about things, and we ended up leaving ourselves and our knowing behind.
It Starts With Your Relationship With You
So often we think the indecision is about the relationship, when really the indecision comes from a lack of knowing yourself and a lack of intimacy with you.
If you are willing to be really honest with yourself, and willing to know what you and your body requires, you can have so much more ease.
End the fight with yourself. Start being brutally honest with yourself and what you like, and start communicating that. Stop demanding the other person changes and making them wrong. What if there was no more judgement and a lot more questions like, "What else is possible?"
When we start communicating what is going on with us and asking for more possibilities to show up, your partner actually starts to feel closer and you start to be intimate again.
Relationships Done Different
Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?
Heiderose Scheerer, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator