Kindness with Dr Dain Heer

Season #2

Do you use relationship as a standard by which to judge yourself? Or is relationship for you something that adds more kindness into your life?


Most of us are brought up to be kind to others, but if the kindness is not flowing in both directions, there is not true kindness there.  If you are only being kind to the other person, you are limiting the kindness to you.


On this show, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Dr. Dain Heer, cofounder of Access Consciousness, about kindness, and how it all starts with being kind to you.


Kindness to us which allows kindness to others is a massive strength, that if we would choose it would change every relationship we have, and change the face of the world.

If everybody chose to be the kindness that they can, how diff would the world be? It starts with you.


Keys points from this episode’s conversation


  • Does Your Relationship Add To Your Life?
  • How Do You Treat Yourself?
  • Taking Steps Towards Kindness With Self
  • Kindness To Self Changes Everything
  • Make Time For You
  • Value The Lightness And Space
  • Kindness To Self Is Not Wrong
  • The Difference Between Nice And Kind
  • Ask For More Kindness

Does Your Relationship Add To Your Life?

99% of rel is energetic; not cognitive. If you are going to be in a relationship, it should add to your lives dynamically, otherwise why would you have one?

Most of what we learned about relationships we learnt from other people who did relationship poorly and we think we’ll do it better. Or we have the idea that relationship is going to solve all our problems. It doesn't. But it will point out our points of views about us in the world.

We seldom go to that place of liking us, so we get in relationship with somebody who also doesn't like us. We assume that’s the way it has to be because we assume there is something inherently wrong with us. 

Dain was engaged to someone who didn't like him.  When he realised that, he asked, "Where do I not care about me? What is this showing me?"

You can either have kindness for you or the wrongness of you. Think of when you are around a friend who doesn't judge you, how much kindness does that give you for you?

What if you just asked to be shown more kind people? 


How Do You Treat Yourself?

The more I am willing to be kind to me, the more kind people show up in my life. No matter what relationship we are in, if you can be that kindness to yourself that starts to allow us to receive that from the world too.

A lot of people have no idea what it is to be kind to them. Dain gave the example of someone who could never please her parents. As a result, all she could ever do was look at what she hadn't been or hadn't done, so then she repeated that in her relationships.

You need to look at how you are treating you and how are you being for you. When you notice that you are not being kind to you, just stop; and POC and POD everything that is.

To know kindness more, think of what it's like to be around a puppy, or a friend who doesn't judge you.


Taking Steps Towards Kindness To Self

Take that leap of treating yourself the way you should of been treated, not the way you were treated, and see what shows up. Try it for a couple of hours and see if you like yourself more at the end.  If you do, extend the time.

Just one step in that direction creates a space where, rather than putting up with people who don't like us and trying to get them to validate you, you can go "Love me or hate me, I'm going to love myself."

What you focus on grows, so make the demand that no matter what shows up, you will love yourself.

Start small.  10 seconds of not judging you. 10 seconds of actually liking you. The more you can celebrate those small steps the greater it becomes.

write down every single day one thing you 

It doesn't have to be monumental; it's a marathon not a sprint


Kindness To Self Changes Everything

We all probably have a lot of things we'd like to change.  Changing how kind you are to yourself changes everything! 

Every time you say "I can't" you are being unkind to you. Kindness to you would be aksing, "How can I create this?  What can I change? What can I do?"

It's such a game changer; if you do the work.  Dain says that he likes himself, because he has done the work. 


Make Time For You

Each day make one different choice for you. 

Most of our lives are about other people, because you want to make their lives better; which is an element of kindness. Let’s start to have some of that kindness coming inwards and fill up your whole battery.

Take 20 minutes a day just for you. Even if you have to get up a little early to fit it in. Do something that is nurturing for you. It may just be taking the time to sip your coffee.

It results in you having space, so when you interact with others, you don't have to go down this whole cesspool of reaction. You become a source for something greater.

The ultimate kindness you can be is always elevating the space of the interaction to something that contributes more to everybody; including you.


Value The Lightness & Space

Start to value the lightness and the space; that's another kindness. If you can start actively choosing that, which creates more of that, we become a different invitation; we change the game so to speak.

So often we walk through the world with all these barriers up. If you are willing to be that energy for you, willing to be kind to you, you actually realise you don't require the walls and barriers.

That's when people start to perceive the difference you be. It puts them in question; "Why are you so happy?" and allows that energy to truly permeate the world. Kindness to you changes the world!

When things are clunky in relationship, pause for a minute and lower your walls and barriers. Remind yourself that you are just feeling clunky right now, and that you really enjoy this person. It has a ripple effect that is instantaneous.


Kindness To Self Is Not Wrong

One of the lies of being kind to you is that everything is then going to be all about you. We are taught this as kids; be kind to others otherwise you are a bad person, selfish, etc.

However, it's only when you are kind to you that you can be present for kindness to others. Kindness is also a presence and a strength.  We are taught that kindness is a weakness.  No.  Niceness is a weakness


The Difference Between Nice And Kind

Kindness is a willingness to look into somebody's world, see what they require and deliver it if you can.

Being nice is when you are trying to prove that you are not bad, wrong, evil; so you let people walk on your head to prove that you don't secretly want to kill them. We always try to prove the opposite of what we believe we are.

Somebody who is nice, you want to kick in the head. Somebody who is kind, you want to be around.


Ask For More Kindness

One of the laws of the universe is ask and you shall receive. Be kind enough to ask for what you truly desire. Choice is "I'll have that".  That's it.  The universe's job is to show you the how.  Your job is to live your life and do your best to ask for it.

Get the sense of what it would be if you were totally kind to you and ask for that, it will show up. It shows up little by little until we don't even realise it, but if you look back in say 2 years, you'll notice the difference.

The ultimate kindness to you is being willing to receive from everything and everyone around you.


Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 


Relationships Done Different





Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?


Dr. Dain Heer, Cocreator of Access Consciousness

Dain’s Website

Dain’s Instagram

Dain’s Facebook 

Being You Changing The World Book 

Useful Links:


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