You Are Enough with John Wheeler
Do you think that something is wrong with you if you are not in a relationship? If you are in a relationship, do you remain yourself or do you put on an image to keep the relationship, because if you are true to you you think your partner won’t like it?
On this show, your host, Becky Vannes, talks with John Wheeler about being enough and valuing yourself both in and out of all relationships - intimate relationships, work relationships, friendships, etc.
If you value you, others will value you too, and valuing yourself allows you to not be affected by what others say and do. Relationships should add to your life, not detract from it.
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Get Clear On The Fact That You Are Enough
- Receive Compliments
- Be You In Relationship
- Be Honest With Yourself About Your Current Relationships
- Does It Work?
- Relationships Should Increase Your Value
- A Relationship Takes Two People
- When You Value You, Nothing Outside Of You Can Impact You
- Laugh At What People Say
- Ask A Question
- Call Someone
- What Are You Aware Of?
Get Clear On The Fact That You Are Enough
So many people think they have to have a relationship and that if they don't they are wrong. You are actually enough how you are, where you are, by yourself. You are a whole person. You are enough exactly as you are today. There is nothing wrong with you if you are not in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you at all.
If you are looking to add a relationship in your life, whether it's a relationship with a person or a business or a project or whatever, it should be a bonus. You are already a gift. Anything else that interacts with you is a bonus.
You just being here is enough!
John realised that he was enough by having conversations with people who had his back; and actually hearing them. How often do you receive compliments?
Be You In Relationship
If you get clear on what you would like to create or what future you would like to have, people can say or do whatever they want and, as long as you hold true to valuing you, you don't become less.
Look at your values and what you have to offer, then make the demand of yourself, "I'm going to be me in this relationship. I have this list of things I'd like to create."
Be Honest With Yourself About Your Current Relationships
Look at all the relationships you've created in your life; business, friendships, intimate partners, family, etc.. Lower your barriers, get out of the judgement of yourself and ask questions like “Who am I? Who do I want to speak to?”
Be willing to hear the feedback that comes with those relationships. For example, does the person treat you in a way that is kind, do they value you, are they using you?
How do you see yourself in that relationship? Ask,
"Where am I in regards to this relationship and where would I like to be? Is it working for me?” If not, “Do I want to stay in this relationship?”
Get clear on what works and be willing to actually demand what works. You don't become a doormat just because you are in relationship. Have conversations and be willing to address what's going on.
If you start to value you, the world will too.
Does It Work?
If you get a no when you ask, "Does it work?" with regards to your current relationship, it doesn't mean you have to leave it.
Ask, "Can I make this work?" If you get a yes, ask, "Am I willing to do the work to make it work?"
If it's not easy and fun to do that, do you want to stay in that relationship? It's also not wrong to leave.
Relationships Should Increase Your Value
When you add a relationship to your life, that relationship should be generating more. Relationships should make you excited, make you want to live, make you want to go out and create; they should increase your value and what you are creating.
If they make you want to do the opposite to that, you might want to look at what you are choosing it for. What are you desiring to create with the relationship?
And, it shouldn't cost you; you shouldn't have to give something up to be in a relationship.
This doesn't mean that relationships should be all rainbows all the time. You are going to have things that come up.
It’s about asking questions and communicating, and being willing to have those conversations.
A Relationship Takes Two People
You also have to look at what you did to create the relationships you currently have. If someone says you are mean, for example, were you being mean? It’s not about making yourself wrong if you were; just acknowledge it and look at what you want to do from there.
When You Value You, Nothing Outside Of You Can Impact You
People say things to you based on how they see you; not on how you are. And, most of that comes from judgement.
If someone thinks you are mean, all they will see is how you are mean. If someone sees you as kind, all they will see is kind behaviours.
Acknowledge that's how they see you, and that's it.
You also do this with others. You see them through eyes of judgement.
Laugh At What People Say
Don't take what people say to you seriously. A great tool to use is to laugh at what is being said.
Also be aware that if you are with a friend when someone lashes out at you, they will try and align with you; "I can't believe they said that". Tell them it's not an issue and that you find it funny; "That's funny that they think that."
Ask A Question
Another great tool is to ask a question eg what is their agenda? A lot of times they are saying things about you to manipulate and control you.
If something is sticking you, call someone and get them to ask you questions. If you don't buy it, it doesn't stick you.
What Are You Aware Of?
Just because it's there doesn't mean it's true. It doesn't mean something has to be said, and it doesn't mean something needs to be done.
Ask, "What's going on here?" And, sometimes that's enough.
Relationships Done Different
Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?
John Wheeler, Relationships Done Different Facilitator and Access Consciousness Certified Facilitator