What Is Relationship Really?
What if you didn't have to divorce you to create an intimate relationship? Most of us cut off parts and pieces of ourselves for our partners, our kids, our colleagues, etc., in all the different ways that we don’t choose us.
On this show, you are treated to the recordings of a recent zoom with the founder of Access Consciousness, Gary Douglas, and Paula Peralta as part of the Divorceless Relationships book club.
Gary sees guys bend, fold and mutilate themselves to get into a relationship. He sees women bend, fold and mutilate themselves to stay in a relationship. Neither one of them is about "Is this happy? Is this fun?"
Relationships should be fun; not relationshit. Stop divorcing yourself to get into or maintain a relationship.
What would it be like if you gave up your life of misery in favour of a life of fun, joy, happiness, possibilities, choices, questions and contributions? Most people don't even think that way.
Key points from this episode’s conversation
- Be You
- The Image Of Relationship
- What Are You Choosing?
- 10 Second Increments
- What Would You Like In A Relationship?
- Creating A Great Relationship
- The Relationship With Your Body
- Four Things You Need In A Relationship
- The 5 Elements of Intimacy
- Do You Really Want A Relationship?
- What Can A Horse Teach You About Relationship?
People think there are certain things they can't share about themselves, and cut that off thinking they can be without it. You can’t.
You can't do without being you.
You can't be without being you.
You can't accomplish without being you.
You can't create without being you.
The Image Of Relationship
This reality portrays relationships as you fall in love and live happily ever after. Is it the truth or a figment of your imagination?
Relationship is never always easy; you are going to have stormy weather as well as great sailing. You've got to have the ability to sail through life without needing to believe something that is not true.
What Are You Choosing?
To have a good relationship, you need to be aware of what you are choosing and be aware of the possibilities you are not choosing.
When Gary's relationship wasn't working he asked, “What are 8 things that would have to change for this to work for me?" Then he went down the list and asked, "If I ask her to change this, could she do it?”
He discovered that only two of the things on his list she would be able to change, because for the other six, she had decided that was who she was. What if you could create yourself in every moment? What kind of amazing things could you create? What would you choose?
You've got to have choice in relationship and you've got to know you are doing it by choice. The people Gary knows in good relationships, they chose their relationship and they choose it every 10 seconds.
When you can't come to agreement, just move on. That's the way you want to live your life; "You're not going to change my point of view, I'm not going to change your point of view. Let's move on."
10 Second Increments
If you live in 10 second increments, you're not trying to come to conclusion about what a relationship is.
Gary knew someone who thought their relationship was perfect and didn't want it to change, whereas her husband was having an affair for 2 years and wanted to leave her. The greatest mistake we make is going "This is the most perfect person for me." What makes them the perfect person?
You keep looking for the perfect person to be with as though that creates the perfect relationship. It doesn't. All it creates is the biggest fuck up on planet earth.
What Would You Like In A Relationship?
You have to look at what you want in a relationship, not what other people have. There are people Gary knows who have a great relationship, but he wouldn't want that relationship for himself.
What are you currently choosing with regards to relationships? What would you like to choose?
If you write a list of what you want in a relationship, also list what you do not want. When you ask for what you don't desire in a relationship as much as you ask for what you do desire, you will get everything you desire and everything you don't desire won't show up.
If you have a list, get clear on the list and make sure you are asking for what you actually desire. If you are not aware you will ask for something that is exactly the opposite of what you desire.
Creating A Great Relationship
So often we look at the end game with relationship. For example, “It's perfect, don't touch it,” attitude. But when you are willing to look at your relationship constantly and see what needs to change, it can become greater. Constantly ask, "How can this get greater?"
It’s not about wrongness. If Gary sees a weed, he doesn't have the point of view that it's wrong. He has the point of view that it needs to come out.
The Relationship With Your Body
Dressing your body and wearing what your body wants to wear is a contribution to us.
If you listen to your body and you do what it asks, and you dress according to what it desires, you will look better and get more compliments and people will think better of you.
You want people to think better of you, not worse of you.
People dress according to their front side whereas people see you from all aspects, not just the image they are creating. It’s about having an awareness of the effect we have on the world and what invitation we can be, and the willingness to have ease with our relationship with our bodies.
This applies to all relationships. You want to have multiple points of view, rather than just one point of view. Metaphorically sit in a different place and view your relationship. How is it going, what is it like, what is this going to create, what do you truly want in a relationship, what is going to work for you?
Four Things You Need In A Relationship
There are four things you need in an intimate relationship:
- It provides some contribution to your money flows - they either give you money, add money or their presence allows you to make more money.
- Your partner allows you to do whatever you want to do, the way you want to do it, whenever you want to do it and doesn’t expect you to change.
- You allow them to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, the way they want to do it and you don't expect them to change.
- They are good in bed (if not, bye bye - there's always someone better)
Ask, "Would this person be fun to have sex with?" Ask it, whether you are going to have sex or not. If you ask it about a friend, you will be freer with them and they will be freer with you. You don't have to have sex; sex is always a choice.
Sex is about receiving; not putting body parts together. When you can have sex with someone, you can receive all of who they are without a judgment. When you can receive all of someone without a judgement they will like you better than other people.
5 Elements Of Intimacy
The 5 Elements of Intimacy are vulnerability, honour, trust, allowance and gratitude.
Vulnerability is putting up no barriers to the other person; you don't have to stop being who you are. Why would you care what people think about you? Very few people actually think good of you, and yet you think they do.
If people use info against you, they are not honouring.
Honour is to treat people with regard, as if they are a good person, on your side to fight life's battles together; not fight life's battles against you.
Trust is trusting that the person will do what they do. It is also to trust that they will have your back.
Allowance is interesting point of view.
Gratitude: you cannot have gratitude and judgement in the same world. If you spend your time judging you, you cannot function as you; you will be functioning as less than. If you are grateful for someone you will trust they will do the things they do and have allowance for it and have the gratitude of the fact that they live their lives the way they choose.
Do You Really Want A Relationship?
Gary sees people very unhappy in relationships sticking together.
Do you really want a relationship or are you pretending you want one because that is what you are supposed to do; especially if you are a girl? If you are a girl, you are supposed to want one. If you are a boy you are supposed to be wanted by one.
What Can A Horse Teach You About Relationship?
If a horse is friends with the person they will eat with them. If they are not, they'll kick them. Why wouldn't you kick the person to the side that is bugging you?
Horses stand head to tail to take care of the flies on each other. That's a different way of being in the world.
Gary trusts his horse. He always asks the horse when he gets on, "Will you take care of me?" If the horse says yes, he gets on. If it says no, he doesn't ride.
Paula wasn’t asking her horse; she would get on and say, “Take care of me." That’s a demand, not a question. How well will that work out? Anyone will meet your demand for a short period of time, but what then?
Relationships Done Different
Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?