Asking For What You Want
Do you tiptoe around people, trying not to offend, keeping the peace and avoiding conflict and confrontation at the expense of asking for what you want? If you are able to just say it, not from judgment or attacking, it makes everyone’s life so much easier.
On this show, your hosts speak about having a voice in your relationship, and share tools and anecdotes that you can use to assist you to ask for what you want.
It’s a gift to both the other person and yourself when you are actually willing to say what is for you and ask for what it is you desire. There is a great relief that comes with that for you, and an ease for the other person in knowing what it actually is that you want.
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- What’s Stopping You?
- What Else Is Possible?
- What Have You Decided You Can’t Ask For?
What’s Stopping You?
Oftentimes people are worried that if they say the wrong thing or say what is actually true for them, they might lose the attention of the person they have decided is so valuable; they tiptoe around what it is they actually want because they don't want to lose them or offend them. If you actually just say it, there is a great relief that comes with it.
People are so averse to conflict and confrontation that they prefer to keep the peace and tiptoe around on eggshells rather than ask for what they want. It’s a constant worry that you will offend someone or hurt their feelings if you say what it is you desire. We end up building an imaginary reaction in our head.
The gift in being straightforward and saying what you want is in the elimination of that worry. It's never what we think; it's always so much easier. And, how much easier is it for you when you know exactly what your partner desires, rather than trying to read into the subtext of their actions to figure out what their expectations are and guess the subliminal messages? That is the gift to them when you say what you desire.
What Else Is Possible?
Have the conversation; "This is what I require. I'm noticing that it is not occurring. Is it possible for you to do those things or do we need to change the situation?"
It's valuable to be aware of the other person's world; what they can receive and what they can hear. However, it’s not about 'sharing your truth', which is more often than not about sharing judgement.
Look at the person you are talking to and ask, "What can they receive? What can they hear?" and then ask for what you would like from the place of making it about yourself; not what they are doing wrong. If you are trying to correct their behaviour, you might actually be judging them.
It is also helpful to make the thing or situation outside of your relationship with that person; like looking at something outside of you together, rather than it being a symptom of a bigger problem.
A lot of the time you are dealing with people dynamics rather than the situation or thing itself. For example, they can be reactionary from things in their past; step back and ask questions and realise it's not personal.
What Have You Decided You Can’t Ask For?
What have you decided you can't ask for that is actually just waiting to be delivered? It's usually the assumption that you can't ask, that you shouldn't ask, that is stopping you from receiving these things that you want. So many people live by these strange rules and codes of conduct and we are told at a young age that we can't ask for what we'd like. There are also all these moments where you feel like you were wrong for asking for what you want as a child.
It's an ongoing adventure to have more of you; it's a process of unlearing. Ask, "If I was showing up as me today, what would that be like? If I was to ask for what I wanted, what would that be?"
People are also averse to receiving a “No,” when they ask for what they want. A great exercise to start having your voice is to practise receiving “No”s by going out and asking 3 or 4 people for something you know they will refuse.
Relationships Done Different