Are you addicted to judgment when it comes to choosing a partner? Do you normally go for someone who may be great looking but dismisses you or judges your body, etc.?
On this show, your hosts speak about their past dating habits and the topic of ‘untyping’; a 2022 trend to ditch your usual dating ‘type’ and start looking beyond it.
Until you start to explore outside your usual dating type, you won’t even be able to see the other people who are available for you; and who are possibly a lot kinder and more capable of a healthy, nurturing relationship.
Is it time to get vulnerable with yourself and start paying attention to who you are actually attracting and dismissing with your ‘type’?
Keys points from this episode’s conversation
- Are You Looking For Validation?
- Are You Actually Willing To Receive Kindness?
- Winners, Loser, No Counts
- Does List Writing Work?
Are You Looking For Validation?
Christopher Hughes realises now that he used to look for guys that weren’t really interested in him, so he could be rejected; until he met someone who was different. He was looking for the validation from other people’s attention that he had value, yet he didn’t actually believe he had value himself so he attracted people who mirrored that to him.
It's almost like we are looking for these partners to heal something in us that we think is wrong. Stop and take an honest and vulnerable look at yourself. Are you really such a terrible person? Focus on the joy of who you are rather than the burden of who you are; “I have value here. I am not the conglomeration of judgements I have of me.”
It take practise.
Are You Actually Willing To Receive Kindness?
This is another area to get really vulnerable and honest with yourself, because judgment is so familiar, we can be more comfortable with others judging us than being kind to us. Are you willing to receive kindness? Are you willing for someone to adore you? Because a lot of us aren’t trained to receive.
It does take courage because it can be uncomfortable if you are not familiar with people treating you kindly. Is it time to step outside your comfort zone and out of your usual ‘typing’ and try something different?
You've got to start investing your time with the people who honour you, see the value of you and don't judge you.
Winners, Losers, No Counts
Winners are those people you want to get together with and who usually dismiss or judge you. There is something that you idealise about them, like their looks or being great at sports, etc. You feel like a winner because when you get together with them because of the attribute that you are idealising, but you don’t pay attention to things like kindness being missing; so is it actually a win?
Losers are those people that you judge and as a result don’t want to have anything to do with.
No counts are the ones who don’t fall into either of the above categories and as such are usually ignored by you. They are most likely to be the ones who will be kind to you, as they dont’ judge you.
Until you explore outside of the 'winners' you can’t actually see that it is possible for you to have an amazing relationship.
Does List Writing Work?
Justine McKell used to write lists, and she realised they were mainly centered around physical attributes. Physical attributes have nothing to do with who they are as a person, or creating a life, or someone who is actually going to be nice to you, take care of you and be kind to you; someone who can actually see you, and contribute to you. It’s more of a projection onto the person of what they are going to be in your life, and nothing to do with who they are and what capacity they have to be in a healthy honest kind relationship.
If you do write lists of what you would like in a partner, also take a look at what shows up with regards to that list. You will start to notice where you reject people.
Relationships Done Different